The importance of happiness

Hello to all who may be reading.
A few years ago, I wrote a research paper on a topic that has always been near and dear to my heart. It talks about issues with finding true happiness, and self-worth. Since I have been struggling and thinking about these very things lately, I've decided to bring what I wrote back into the light of day:

The phrase “don’t worry, be happy” is a very familiar one. But is it really understood? Why should we be happy? Have you ever thought about it? Have you ever thought that Heavenly Father wants you to be happy, and that is why you are here on the earth? Happiness doesn’t come easily to some, especially those with experiences that promote anything but happiness. However, there are resources that God has given to us to help us become happy, if we are struggling with it. God wants you to be happy. I know this with all of my heart. But I didn’t always have that knowledge. I had to gain it the hard way: through experience. Mine was really hard. I had depression. And I still do, sometimes.

The depression hit me really hard. I don’t know when it started, but since I was little, I’ve always seen myself as a backseat rider on the road of life. I haven’t really ever had any real self-confidence, until now. And even now, it gets shaken by the negative thoughts that go through my head. These thoughts were the result of things that bring about unhappiness. Fear of shame, and being vulnerable were some of them. I thought things like “There will always be someone better than me. Whether it is my younger sister, who actually enjoys life and takes risks that put her on the spot” (ones that I would never take); or whether it be someone walking down the street who has better hair than I do. Maybe it’s someone on television, who has really nice teeth, while I only have my small, off-white ones.

I know that I’m not the only one that has such thoughts. It’s so easy to compare yourself to others. I still struggle with this every day. But I know now that I am worth so much more than what I sometimes make myself out to be. To all who are struggling with believing this about yourself, let me tell you that you are worth so much more than you may realize. I know that because God tells me every day. In a book called You are Special, it tells the story of a small village of “Wemmicks,” all made by Eli the woodcarver. The Wemmicks have something in common: they love to judge one another, which is another source of unhappiness.

The Wemmicks carry around two boxes of stickers wherever they go. One holds golden star stickers, and the other, black dots. The star is a sign of approval from your peers, while a dot shows the mark of scorn and disgust. The common goal is to get more stars than anyone else. The story is centered on a Wemmick named Punchinello. He is covered in dots given to him by his peers. He tries to earn stars, but always clumsily fails. Some walk up to him and give him a dot just because he has so many of them.

One day, Punchinello meets a Wemmick named Lucia. She doesn’t have any stickers stuck to her. No dots, but no stars either! She seems so happy, and Punchinello wants to be like her: not caring what anyone else thinks about him. But he doesn’t know how to. He asks her what her secret is, and she says that she goes to visit her maker Eli, every day. Punchinello doesn’t believe it could be so easy, and he struggles with the thought, because he doesn’t yet understand how critical perspective and renewal are to happiness.

After a while, however, Punchinello decides to go and see Eli. Punchinello hasn’t been to Eli’s workshop since he was created by him. Eli greets him and tells him how happy he is that Punchinello came to see him, and how proud he is of him. Punchinello doesn’t know how Eli could love somebody like him, with no talents, peeling paint etc. But Eli says to him: “don’t worry about what the others think of you. All that matters is what I think of you, and I think that you’re pretty special.” As Punchinello begins to leave, he ponders what Eli has said and considers the possibility that it might be true. With this thought, a dot falls to the ground.

The point of this story is that what other people do to judge you shouldn’t affect how you see yourself, because it isn’t the true you that they see. The only opinion that matters is our Maker’s. God created you the way you are for a reason! I know this may be hard to grasp, but it’s true! Oscar Wilde said “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” There will only ever be one you, just as there will only ever be one of them. It’s impossible to be somebody else, because that isn’t who you are! In order to truly be happy, which is the common goal, you have to love yourself.

Someone once said “People aren’t against you; they are for themselves.” There are those who believe that by bringing others down, they are boosting themselves up. This may make sense on the outside, but does that ring with truth? God (our Maker and Heavenly parent) wants us to be happy, which is why we are here on this earth! Would He make it so that the way to do so would be to bring His other children down? I don’t think so.

If you have trouble trying to love the real, imperfect you, don’t despair and DON’T GIVE UP. There are tools that God has given us to be happy. There are certain things that He created because He knew they would be what you needed to be happy. I know that God created music for me, because it makes me happy. There are things in this world that he made for YOU. He loves you that much! His love for you is never changing.

“Charity is the pure love of Christ (Moroni 7:47).” If you have heard this before, you’ve probably also heard that “charity never faileth (7:46).” All things that are of God are eternal, everlasting, and NEVER failing. God’s love for you is never failing, it’s eternal.

        A good friend of mine named Stace Dalton once spoke about charity in a church meeting that I had the opportunity to attend. Let me share a few of her words.

We face a dilemma that is common in…life. We are told to be perfect as Christ is perfect, an honorable goal, but one we will never attain in this lifetime. This doesn’t excuse us from always trying to become perfect, but sometimes when we stumble and fall short of seeing ourselves as perfect, we can develop a self-paralyzing attribute called perfectionism. This perfectionism causes us to not accept any standard or act short of perfection. It cripples us. Let me offer a suggestion to help us overcome perfectionism. Charity can soften and eventually eliminate the effects of perfectionism.

Perfectionism is criticizing…. CHARITY is encouraging.

Perfectionism is judgement…. CHARITY is acceptance.

Perfectionism is doubt…. CHARITY is confidence.

Perfectionism is pressure…. CHARITY is movement.

Perfectionism is control…. CHARITY is willingness.

Perfectionism is having to be right…. CHARITY is openness to be wrong.

Perfectionism is anger and frustration…. CHARITY is effort.

Perfectionism is fear…. CHARITY is faith.

Perfectionism is destination…. CHARITY is the journey.

James Taylor….wrote “The secret to life is enjoying the passage of time”. I have enjoyed charitable service. It has prepared me for this current passage of time in my life as I strive to be more encouraging, accepting, confident, moveable, willing, not having to be right, to give more effort, to have more faith, and enjoy my journey.”

Out of the tools that God has given us, one of the most effective is love. There are things, people, and places that you love. I suggest referring back to them when you want to be happier. You probably love being around these things because you feel accepted by them. Maybe it is hippie for me to say, but I truly believe that you can be accepted by nature. More importantly, that you can accept yourself as it accepts you. A good way to do this is to meditate. I found a great step-by-step guide to meditation on a blog with the title “And Here We Are.”

Find a quiet place, and lie down on your back.  With your feet on the floor, bend your knees and let them lean in together comfortably.

Place your hands on your belly, relax your body, and listen to your breath.  Don’t do anything to try to control your breath– simply observe.

Now, bring in some visualization.  As you exhale, picture an ocean wave breaking on the sand.  As you inhale, see it rolling back into the sea.  With every inhale and exhale, watch the waves go in and out– the sound of your breath is the soundtrack to these waves going in and out, and will set the pace.

You may find that the shapes of the waves change throughout your meditation session.  I often begin with more powerful waves crashing on the beach (breathing harder) and end with something more like the waves of a lake barely lapping the shore, as my breathing calms and I become more relaxed.  This is not a goal, just something to observe.

When I feel like I’m struggling to stay with the exercise, I take a moment to picture the beach– the color of the sand, whether there are any plants or trees on it, what the sun and clouds look like, and how the sun would feel on my skin.  I hear the waves again as I breathe, and am drawn back into them.

To take things a step further, you can use this visualization to incorporate the thoughts that come to mind and to let them go.  When I think of something negative, I allow it to transform in my mind’s eye into something for a wave to spit up onto the shore– getting rid of it.  For whatever reason, I often find myself leaving old worn out hiking boots and rusty tin cans on the sand as I seek to expel a burden that comes to mind.  A pain in my neck may turn up as a piece of old rebar, and the pain eases as I let it go.

Likewise, when I think of a desire or hope or positive thought crosses my mind, I give it an image, something for the wave to sweep up from the sand as it retreats into the vast sea. When I give these thoughts an image and an action, it’s a way to acknowledge them, acknowledge whether I want them in my life or not, and move on.

Another way to use the waves and breath for meditation is to imagine yourself as a piece of seaweed or a leaf, riding the waves– both going in and out with your breath.  Seeing myself moving with the flow helps me to further relax my whole body as I imagine the sensations of “going with the flow” as I listen to my breath.  It is deeply relaxing. (http://andhereweare.net/)

To let go of your problems, and just connect to the world around you, to the love that your Heavenly Father has for you, and your divine potential, is to meditate.

Uh-oh. There’s that word: potential. You’ve probably heard that word a lot, and you’ve probably also associated that with something that is unreachable, and impossible. I know that I did. All through my life I’ve been told to be perfect, like God and that that is the only way to ever reach Heaven (thank goodness this is not true!). You are not perfect. You never will be. Maybe saying this to yourself is a relief, or maybe it makes you feel like a failure. I know that that thought was readily available in my mind.

I find stories to be a fantastic way to display a point, so I’ll share another one:

[some of the formatting has been cleaned up from the original version]

The Acorn and the Oak Tree

“Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” Matt. 5:48.

We hear a word like “perfect,” and immediately relate it to “behavior.” To be good is wonderful, but to be perfect is, well… perfect. So we set out to try and be the best we can, to do all the right things, and set the rudder of our ship to steer towards this perfection.

But, supposing the “perfection” that Jesus speaks of here is not so much a “behavioral” perfect, but a wholeness perfection. To be whole, to be complete is to be perfectly finished. If I paint a picture on a canvas, when I put the final touches to it, and then start to clean my brushes out, (for I have finished the picture) I can say, “It is done, it is complete, it is whole, it is just how I wanted to paint it, it is perfect.”

Let me paint a scene where you are having a conversation with a 600-foot English Oak tree.

You. “Oak Tree let me ask you something. How do you manage to be such a magnificent tree?”

Tree. Laughs, “Because I AM an Oak tree.”

You. “But how did you manage to grow so tall and strong?”

Tree. “Because I AM an Oak Tree and this is what I AM.”

Now we change the scene again where you are now talking to an acorn.

You. “Little acorn let me ask you something. Look at that 600 foot oak tree, how on earth are you ever going to be like that?”

Acorn. “Oh thanks a bunch. I was quite happy until you asked me that.”

You walk away from the scene and leave the little acorn lying in the grass. The acorn is now forlorn and concerned. The more he looks toward the 600-foot oak tree the more he upsets himself, “look at that huge trunk, and all those sturdy limbs. All those wonderful branches and beautiful leaves. It’s not even worth me trying to aspire to such “perfection;” to such “wholeness.” As he lies in the grass mumbling to himself, he hears a soft thud, and another acorn drops down next to him into the grass from the tree. “What’s wrong with you?” asks the other acorn, “What are you so upset about?”

“Have you seen that oak tree there?” replies the first acorn. “I am forlorn, for I cannot in my wildest imagination see how I could ever attain to such a stature, for I’m just a mere acorn.”

The second acorn burst out laughing.

“Don’t laugh,” said the first acorn, “it isn’t funny, this is serious. How can I live with myself, knowing that I could never be like that?”

The second acorn replied “But you are like that.”

“Don’t be silly,” said the first acorn, “I am nothing like that. I am no more than one inch high, [and] that tree is 600 feet high. I am just a little seed. I have no trunk, limbs or branches and leaves. No, I am nothing like that tree”. The second acorn then set out to explain. “My dear brother, you are not recognizing certain truths here. The first thing is: this tree you admire so, is your Father. You came from him. He gave you your life. The second thing is you hold within yourself a 600-foot tree. You may appear to be a tiny 600-foot oak tree, and you will find that as you relate more and more to your “perfection” and more and more to your completeness, so will you become more and more like your father, a 600-foot oak tree.

Do you not know little brother, that unless an acorn falls into the ground and die[s], it cannot bring forth an oak tree, and you will not really die, you will be changed into the very thing you long to become: the tree. So fear not. All is well with thee.” (www.sigler.org)

As you can see, the acorn never had believed in his capabilities to become magnificent, and maybe you don’t either. Maybe the thought of becoming a great tree is terrifying in some way to you. Marianne Williamson said:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. We are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. (www.firstcovers.com)

You do not need to fear yourself. Fear is the opposite of faith. Fear does not come from God. It comes from Satan, or the Devil. Satan would like nothing better than for you to give up, and experience the misery he feels. But you don’t want to give up, do you? I really don’t think you do. You don’t want to be a failure, but then again, you don’t want to put in the effort that it takes to succeed, either.

I remember that point in my life when I felt no hope for my future. I really didn’t think of any future. When you experience negative feelings about yourself, about how hard life is to you in general, do you realize that you are completely caught up in yourself?  I remember when I was going through depression, this thought never occurred to me. I’m going to share some advice on how to forget about your own problems. It’s to serve!

There is a quote by Gandhi that says “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in service to others.” This should be your main focus when you want to find your place in this world. It is hard at first to let go of thinking only about you and to benefit someone else’s life instead. Before you start, it’s pretty easy to have the thought that “they don’t deserve it!” or “what’s in it for me?” But I can promise you that you will not feel this way once you begin to actually SERVE.

        My mother was an incredible help to me at this point of depression in my life. She never gave up on me, even though I thought I already had. Thinking of her was what gave me that extra push out of my pit.

        Just a few months previous to my breakthrough about my depression, my mother embraced the usage of essential oils. These were a big help to me in balancing my mood, loving myself, and overall, being happier! In order to help my specific needs, she had me look through a book called Emotions and Essential Oils and put a mark by what I was feeling. For example, I put a mark by depression, and she was able to look in the index to find out which oils suited that specific thing. For example, oils that contain citrus promote feelings of happiness.

        Another idea she gave me was to write affirmations. Mr. Remez Sasson explains affirmations in a way that is easy to understand:

[Affirmations] are positive statements that describe a desired situation, which are often repeated, until they get impressed on the subconscious mind.

This process, pushes the subconscious mind to take action and to strive to make the positive statement come true.

Words work at both ways, to build or destroy. It is the way we use them that determines whether they are going to bring good or harmful results.

A few specific affirmations that I used at one point on my journey were “I am powerful, I am preserved and protected, and I am cheerful”

Since I have told many stories so far, I think it’s time to share my own!

(I posted this on my blog on January 27, ’15)

One day, I realized that life is like an hourglass, meaning that our time is running out even now. It made me reevaluate my life. What am I doing with my time here on earth? Am I making the most of my hourglass?

I don't mean to make this post sound dreary. "I'm technically dying right now, so I better make the most of what time I have left" is not my vision for this post. It's the opposite, actually. Life is a gift, and I am so blessed to live it! As a perfectionist, I unintentionally make life harder on myself, and let's just say that for a while, I put myself down because I wasn't what I wanted -perfect. As this hard time of my life went on, I lost all real happiness. Sure, it's easy to laugh at someone's joke, but inside, there's a whole different story being told. I recognized this in myself, but instead of that motivating me to pick myself up, I just went down into deeper depression. I had many different friends/family reach out to me, to give advice, and tools to help me change my way of thinking. The only problem was I didn't want to get out. Maybe that's confusing, but I didn't want to put forth the effort to be happy. It was so much easier to give up (I thought). Then, gradually (I don't really know how it happened) I was able to see light in my life. Though there wasn't a pivotal moment that I can recall a huge change in myself, I know that it was largely through the help of my Heavenly Father, that I found the desire to make an effort. And that was the hardest part, really. Once I decided to want ME (imperfections and all), I became really happy! There are still low moments in my life, but the difference is that I am able to lift myself out of them! I'm not as afraid as I was to put forth work, and effort, in order to make something better. Most importantly, I know that it's okay to take time to do this. Change doesn't (can't, actually) happen overnight, and life is not just black or white. It's okay to fall off the wagon, as long as you get back on! Don't think (like I did) that because you fall, you can never get back up. The truth is, it's impossible to be perfect! We all make mistakes, and the important thing to do is learn from them, become strengthened through the effort to get back up, and never stop trying. That's what counts anyway, right?

Your Heavenly Father loves you, and wants you to be happy. He created you to be happy. He created this earth to make you happy. If you gain anything from taking the time to read this, I hope that it is the knowledge that you are loved, by so many people around you. They want you to be happy, just as you want to be happy. I hope that you walk away from this with a desire to find where your happiness lies.

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